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Politics News >> Columns >> Humor >> Daily
Daily News
The Onion
At a press conference today, the AGU announced it will not even acknowledge Mike Greenman until he begins dressing better and loses some weight.
The Onion
ANN ARBOR, MI—The member-owned-and-operated casino known as the Sunshine & Sharing Gaming Cooperative was robbed Tuesday for the fourth time...
The Onion
DURHAM, NC—The brothers' laugh-a-minute economy-rebuilding plan involves bikini-clad Russian exchange students, the U.S. Senate, and a 50-gallon drum of Crisco.
The Onion
Between 1999 and 2005, the number of suicides among white middle-aged Americans increased 17 percent. What do you think?
The Onion
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
The Onion
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
The Onion
SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Marketing executive Bernard Ganley first humiliated himself Monday morning when he suggested that applicator tips were a thing of the past.
The Onion
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
The Onion
WASHINGTON—In a landmark decision Monday, the U.S. Supreme Court narrowly ruled to uphold the Bill of Rights, the very tenets upon which...
The Onion
NEW YORK—"Do you know how many guitar players tried and failed to nail the solo on the song 'Peg'? Six—That's commitment to a vision if you ask me," Fagen said.
The Onion
A recent survey found that one in five employers checked out job applicants on networking sites like Facebook before hiring them. What do you...
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A new study shows that almost 25 percent of mammal species are in danger of going extinct. What do you think?
The Onion
NEW YORK—A happy, triumphant, and visibly relieved LeBron James accepted the 2009 NBA Championship trophy from commissioner David Stern at a small ceremony in New York Wednesday, just hours after the NBA announced that it would be canceling...
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ST. CLOUD, MN—A catchphrase from The Love Guru, comedian Mike Myers' latest film, which follows the exploits of a self-help mentor...
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Hola, amigos. How's it going with you? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya. I been trying get through a jungle of bullshit, but it...
The Onion
You know what I'm really excited about? Turning 40! The Big Four-Oh. I've got one hell of a landmark birthday coming up, and I'm pumped! I may...
The Onion
WASHINGTON—President George W. Bush sustained 24 broken bones, massive internal hemorrhaging, and a severe concussion Monday after falling...
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CHICAGO—"If you are reading this," said Obama's farewell note. "Then I have already left your silly country with a woman you have come to know as 'Michelle.'"
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PHILADELPHIA—After 18 long months of nonstop canvassing, it would be nice, now that the election is over, to take a break from it all, and your fellow...
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CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—"My gym teacher used to drone on about 'physical well-being—breaking a sweat, coordination—I still don't know what that means," said Kevin Higgins.
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MENA, AR—Envisioning his parents, a warm blanket, and hot chocolate, a delirious Joshua Meyers mumbled, "It's over!" through the filthy sock stuffed in his mouth.
The Onion
Well bless my 'eart and call me Cromwell! The yank election 'as come to an end at last. Isn't it wonderful? A new leader across the pond. And...
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WASHINGTON—"We feared we'd never see these majestic creatures again, but since their resurgence they've been acting like 'king shit'," said Wildlife Deputy Rowan Gould.
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LOS ANGELES—Lakers shooting guard Kobe Bryant had a typically solid performance from the field last night, scoring 25 points to propel his team to a holy shit, it's hard to believe these words are even gracing this page, but on Tuesday,...
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WASHINGTON—President-elect Barack Obama did very well among women and young voters, who were most sensitive to the current climate of everything being fucked.
The Onion
It has been brought to my attention that another flag-bedecked, bunting-encrusted electoral pantechnicon has been brought to a roaring, shuddering...
The Onion
In the morning, Electorate, he passes people trooping away from home with their newspapers, bearers of a weight that goes beyond pounds and...
The Onion
To Whom It May Concern: This political blog, normally authored by one
The Onion
WASHINGTON—In a press conference held this morning on the White House lawn, President Bush formally asked the assembled press corps and members of his own administration if, in light of today's election, he could stop being the...
The Onion
Oh no! It looks like John McCain's in a lot of trouble, and the...
The Onion
CINCINNATI—"Having every atom in my body split in another dimension just to make a few extra bucks is hard, but my family has to eat," said Glenn Vernacini.
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NEW YORK—"The shocking unveiling of that blistered face is a paradigm shift on a scale never before seen in bubble-gum literature," said artist Martin Shore.
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WASHINGTON—Chief Justice Ross gave the sole dissenting opinion, saying she could not endorse a ruling that did not take into account the varying degrees of love.
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CLEVELAND— Former Browns long-snapper Wes Hardigree, 38, took advantage of the lovely autumn weather Wednesday afternoon, picking up his 8-year-old son Ben from school and long-snapping the ball around the backyard of their suburban...
The Onion
If a candidate doesn't talk about this soon, I may take my own life.
The Onion
My fellow Americans, I don't have to tell you that one of the most overlooked crises facing our nation today is the proliferation of prison sexual...
The Onion
After all that unpleasantness with Barack Obama in Muscatine a couple of weeks ago, I...
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If there's one thing I am sick and tired of listening to as I sit here growing clusters of nerve cells that will eventually form ears, it's ...
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ST. PETERSBURG, FL—Tampa Bay Rays officials and Tropicana Field stadium management announced Wednesday night that, due to an unfortunate and unresolved scheduling conflict, the facility would continue to host the first ever Haunted House...
The Onion
Well, folks, things have gotten considerably worse.Since we last spoke, I have been put in solitary confinement for talking back to one...
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DAWWAS—Cowboys medical personnel confirm that quawterback Tony Womo injured his thwowing hand in last week's 30-24 loss to the Arizona Cardinals and is expected to miss the next month after suffewing a sevewy bwoken wight...
The Onion
NEW YORK— Leading representatives of the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation announced Wednesday that the month of October would officially be known as WNBA Awareness Month, and commemorated the occasion by donating $80 million of their...